Chernobyl

I remember
A time when things were okay
Not great, not bad
Before the storm
I had a life.

Then it hit.

The Darkness sweeping in
Overtaking everything
Leaving the smallest traces
Of what was
Only recognizable to those
That knew it before.

Filled with Darkness
Bursting with nothingness
The power went out
The laughter disappeared

A wasteland left
In the wake of destruction
The air settled
Like Chernobyl before it
Uninhabitable
Nothing but a shell
Of what was.

It is no more
I am no more.

Existing

The days continue to rack up, the days devoted to getting better, the days where I'm supposed to building a life, the days where I try to salvage my soul from the caved in walls of this weak body. It's fun to use words like "soul", it's an empowering way to describe your essence, your character, who you really are inside. However, it has also come to mean some sort of supernatural thing that will supersede your literal life, and well I'm just not having any of that. Boy do I wish I had some faith. I could just hang so much on the conviction that faith provides. Alas, I suppose I digress.

Every day that passes is another one wasted it seems, and I know I have no one but myself to blame, but at this point what's the use in that. I get it. It's on my shoulders. I just don't know how to break through it. I subject myself to tons of therapy, but throughout all the years of it, I remain this slab of flesh and bone that just has no real concept of a future and no real vision of a dream (except for that of a loving embrace...but that's really not a big enough situation to be considered a "dream" per se).

I certainly can tell you glimpses of dreams so to speak, but nothing big enough where it's really something plausible to work towards. Just obscure ambiguous notions that rely on many things out of my control. Holding someone special and being held back..that moment of mutual intimacy just feeding off of itself..nothing else matters. No meditation, no relaxation technique, nothing comes close to being in the arms of someone you love and just living in that moment. Another glimpse would be looking around and feeling successful in terms of myself and, to a degree, the world around me, which I suppose ties in to the next thing on my mind.

Since I am perpetually looking to placate my deceased father, that certainly plays a role in it all. According to many around him he was probably depressed too, but he went to night school while working a job and supporting his family. He did that and then made a great life for himself, did he handle everything well? Hell no, but no one's perfect. Who carries on his name? Me? Carry is a strong word. I guess I'm dragging it along with me. Perhaps someday I will earn it, but there's no way anyone could objectively look at my life and be like, "oh yeah he's done great things", and then people will patronize you with things such as what or who classifies "great" etc. It doesn't matter which way you look at it, whether it is my standards or the collective society's standards, I come up short. People will say look at the strides you've made with therapy and all that. Oh I've made strides? Please tell me more about the green grass on the other side that you "just know" is coming for me.

There are no guarantees, and people/society/life itself are very very flawed. Everything is governed by chance but can be weighted/influenced by various factors, i.e. clothes you wear, how you look, how you carry yourself, this can go on forever. Within all the random chaos that surrounds us, many people seem to at least have a few people/places/things that they can take solace in, work towards, and thoroughly find joy and peace in. To be without any of those is one of the cruelest things I could have ever conceived.

If I don't make something of myself, then let's be real no one wants to be with that. My ex says that she thinks I'm her soulmate, but (amongst other things) that I am in no place for anything like a relationship. I absolutely agree. I need to craft a person that can be respected out of this mold, this blank slate that I have become. I don't love myself, I don't really do anything, I just kinda sit around and think too much. I should be going to school, going to work, something, anything to hang my hat on that I am indeed alive.

I don't want to die, I really don't, but I just don't want to exist in this life anymore. Calling it living a life seems like a stretch at this point. I don't feel alive, I just know I exist. I want to be alive. Somewhere. What it'll take to make that into a reality, anyone's guess is as good as mine.

Depression (Acrostic)

Deactivating my drive, 

Evaporating my spirit,
Poisoning my mind,
Revoking my smile,
Eradicating my aura,
Suffocating my voice,
Strangling my liveliness,
Imploding my thoughts,
Obliterating my hope,
Neutralizing my life.  

Self-Deprecation

I wish I had something to strive for. Before there's any sort of obligatory "to get better"...I think that's obvious, but there needs to be an intermediary...a way to get to that end. You want to get strong, go to the weight room, eat right, etc. You want to get better and stop being depressed? Little tougher. What I wouldn't give to go back to the issues of two years ago. Now I can't even be a functioning human being. I couldn't even go back to school, which I already had to leave early last semester for the very purpose of getting better. How's that going? Now I'm stuck here at home, living on the edge of a town in a development without a place to even walk to randomly. I do nothing except go to therapy. I care that I do nothing, but not  enough to do anything about it, between having the energy to do it and to actually see the point in doing it. People say to just be active for the sake of being active, and yes, that's smart for a short term time, but I can't do that forever. I can't just go through the motions for the sake of going through the motions. I see no point in anything. Like I've said, love is only the driving force I've ever experienced, and I feel further from that than ever. I've got nothing to hold onto. I am only still in this world because of other's people tethers to me. My mom cares so much about me, I have a few friends who say they would miss me, even though it really boils down to my mom. I could never leave her like that, after everything she's down for me. What kind of life is one that you're just basically on a life support machine fed from the support of others. Pathetic.

I feel like a vegetable. I might as well be. A tornado of emotional turmoil inside of a shell made of tissue paper. Everyone is moving on to bigger and better things. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, with anyone. College was just a gigantic failure. The academics did nothing,I know I'm smart, I got great grades without trying, but I felt like I got nothing out of them. The social scene? Ha. I had a group of friends, but they go on and being not at school, you just don't talk anymore..plus I never really felt connected. Romantic endeavors? Ha. At a college where athletics are the big thing, there are enough "in shape" guys to flood you out of the market. People go to college to have a good time, I am not a good time, I was in there looking for someone who wanted more, and again, I am not so naive to think I am the only one, I know for a fact there were many of them, but it just wasn't in the cards for me. Time and time again I was just a friend, and towards the end I was barely even good enough to hang out with.

Granted, I'm sure I projected the darkness that was on the inside, and that's not appealing to anyone. I am rotting from the inside out, and now it's visible on the outside. I don't know how to bounce back from this. I don't even know how to have a tolerable day. I can't believe after so many years of effort poured into trying to beat depression, it's come to this. I am paralyzed, and the loneliness feeds off of it. No one should want to be around me, and since no one is there, I get more sad. Vicious cycle that whirlpools down to the bottom of the ocean. I can't even write anymore. My mind is just clouded by darkness, and I can't even poetically explain it anymore. Reduced to this horrendously organized prose. All I want is someone to show me it's okay, but even if they did, I probably wouldn't be able to see it. It's sad that a 5 minute conversation with someone is a big deal as far as people go. I don't want this at all. I am a social creature, and I want to love and be loved. But I am infested, a toxic soul that repels others.

Maybe I'll get lucky and get really sick and be able to just succumb to it. My dreams have gotten worse too, so when I sleep it isn't even a fun escape anymore. I just want some little ray of light in my life. Anything. Anyone.

Daybreak.

Daybreak.
The sun rises, but I don't feel the shine,
I am the result of a faulty design,
When the dullest of stars align,
Nothing more than an empty outline.
What happened to my spark?
Places I knew light I now see dark.
It must be a problem within...that's all I can surmise,
All the cries behind these eyes of my disguise.
Oh! and what a lousy disguise that I chose,
Less than 6 feet but over 250 from head to toes,
Social anxiety that causes nothing but unrest,
Mind runs in circles 'til I am nothing but depressed.
Years of therapy later, 2 relationships past,
Only logical conclusion, this is here to last.
I am defined by my flaws, defined by rejection,
Denied because I can't provide protection.
Or is it my looks? Does it even matter?
When who I am is outweighed by being fatter.
Don't get me wrong, my inside is worse,
My abyss of a mind being nothing but a curse,
I wish I could "get better", this ruins my life,
Any happiness my mind skewers with a knife,
I don't know how to convey this in all my writing,
You'll probably read this, and see another man ranting,
It's hard trying to fit this into rhyme,
Squeezing feelings into one tiny line,
Over and over, time after time,
Always and forever on my upward climb.
Until I fall.
Daybreak.