Self-Deprecation

I wish I had something to strive for. Before there's any sort of obligatory "to get better"...I think that's obvious, but there needs to be an intermediary...a way to get to that end. You want to get strong, go to the weight room, eat right, etc. You want to get better and stop being depressed? Little tougher. What I wouldn't give to go back to the issues of two years ago. Now I can't even be a functioning human being. I couldn't even go back to school, which I already had to leave early last semester for the very purpose of getting better. How's that going? Now I'm stuck here at home, living on the edge of a town in a development without a place to even walk to randomly. I do nothing except go to therapy. I care that I do nothing, but not  enough to do anything about it, between having the energy to do it and to actually see the point in doing it. People say to just be active for the sake of being active, and yes, that's smart for a short term time, but I can't do that forever. I can't just go through the motions for the sake of going through the motions. I see no point in anything. Like I've said, love is only the driving force I've ever experienced, and I feel further from that than ever. I've got nothing to hold onto. I am only still in this world because of other's people tethers to me. My mom cares so much about me, I have a few friends who say they would miss me, even though it really boils down to my mom. I could never leave her like that, after everything she's down for me. What kind of life is one that you're just basically on a life support machine fed from the support of others. Pathetic.

I feel like a vegetable. I might as well be. A tornado of emotional turmoil inside of a shell made of tissue paper. Everyone is moving on to bigger and better things. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, with anyone. College was just a gigantic failure. The academics did nothing,I know I'm smart, I got great grades without trying, but I felt like I got nothing out of them. The social scene? Ha. I had a group of friends, but they go on and being not at school, you just don't talk anymore..plus I never really felt connected. Romantic endeavors? Ha. At a college where athletics are the big thing, there are enough "in shape" guys to flood you out of the market. People go to college to have a good time, I am not a good time, I was in there looking for someone who wanted more, and again, I am not so naive to think I am the only one, I know for a fact there were many of them, but it just wasn't in the cards for me. Time and time again I was just a friend, and towards the end I was barely even good enough to hang out with.

Granted, I'm sure I projected the darkness that was on the inside, and that's not appealing to anyone. I am rotting from the inside out, and now it's visible on the outside. I don't know how to bounce back from this. I don't even know how to have a tolerable day. I can't believe after so many years of effort poured into trying to beat depression, it's come to this. I am paralyzed, and the loneliness feeds off of it. No one should want to be around me, and since no one is there, I get more sad. Vicious cycle that whirlpools down to the bottom of the ocean. I can't even write anymore. My mind is just clouded by darkness, and I can't even poetically explain it anymore. Reduced to this horrendously organized prose. All I want is someone to show me it's okay, but even if they did, I probably wouldn't be able to see it. It's sad that a 5 minute conversation with someone is a big deal as far as people go. I don't want this at all. I am a social creature, and I want to love and be loved. But I am infested, a toxic soul that repels others.

Maybe I'll get lucky and get really sick and be able to just succumb to it. My dreams have gotten worse too, so when I sleep it isn't even a fun escape anymore. I just want some little ray of light in my life. Anything. Anyone.

Daybreak.

Daybreak.
The sun rises, but I don't feel the shine,
I am the result of a faulty design,
When the dullest of stars align,
Nothing more than an empty outline.
What happened to my spark?
Places I knew light I now see dark.
It must be a problem within...that's all I can surmise,
All the cries behind these eyes of my disguise.
Oh! and what a lousy disguise that I chose,
Less than 6 feet but over 250 from head to toes,
Social anxiety that causes nothing but unrest,
Mind runs in circles 'til I am nothing but depressed.
Years of therapy later, 2 relationships past,
Only logical conclusion, this is here to last.
I am defined by my flaws, defined by rejection,
Denied because I can't provide protection.
Or is it my looks? Does it even matter?
When who I am is outweighed by being fatter.
Don't get me wrong, my inside is worse,
My abyss of a mind being nothing but a curse,
I wish I could "get better", this ruins my life,
Any happiness my mind skewers with a knife,
I don't know how to convey this in all my writing,
You'll probably read this, and see another man ranting,
It's hard trying to fit this into rhyme,
Squeezing feelings into one tiny line,
Over and over, time after time,
Always and forever on my upward climb.
Until I fall.
Daybreak.

Empty Words

Is faith in something so much to ask for? Faith in love, happiness, hope...anything really. The sun is rising again on a new day, a day where, in theory, I could exercise my right as a human being to unleash a wild potential that is a wonder to behold. Yet it'll probably more likely be a day that crawls by with nothing really changing. Recognizing that it is my attitude that is the crux of what holds me back, really only makes me feel worse about it all. It'd be a lot easier if the obstacle was something completely unattainable, like punching through a 100 foot thick concrete wall, but no, it's an abstract notion of motivation and the like. Might as well be 200 feet of concrete then. I really don't know how to attack this enemy, how to just be alive. From the days where I realized I couldn't "tough" it out and submitted myself to things like therapy and asking for help, to medication and all the wonderful side effects, to wilderness therapy and living out in the woods for 3 months having to bullshit my way through it because it was the only way out...biofeedback...meditation...yoga...various exercises, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so utterly helpless. The key lies within I have no doubt, but I just don't know how to get it and it's the lousiest feeling I have ever felt. To know that through whatever anomaly of the universe my atoms were assembled in this way to create who I am, and to know that people like my mother care so much about me and want me to be happy...and here I am just...as nothing.

I still cannot believe how absurdly out of touch I feel with the rest of humanity. I'm sure it doesn't help that I spend a lot of time thinking about that absurd feeling. Every feeling of loneliness serves as a reminder that I am not someone who I would want close to me either, so why should anyone else. It is no wonder that most people keep me at arm's length. Self-degradation is a welcome mat for people to coddle you, but this is not what it is there for. That's just how reality has shaped up. From my old relationship crumbling, to every new girl since seeing me as a great guy who just isn't special enough to be special to them...it just all adds up to create the mindset of, "yeah, no one wants you". I barely even write anymore because I just don't see the point. Would you if you felt that no matter what happens you are just going to continue rotting away?

Every moment I am not making any sort of progress, I am failing those around me. To those who say that even in writing this out that I am making progress, I say phooey...we both know that's a cop out at best, and that this really doesn't signal much of anything. Not for me, because I have been in touch and writing things for ages now, and there's no progress here. Anyway, my mom took me out to dinner and I could barely hold a conversation. She said this is the worst she's seen me in a while...I guess my armor is wearing thin, which sucks because I really hate making her feel so bad about me. She's a single parent who saw her husband and love of her life decay in front of her from cancer, only to now watch me become a ghost? I hate it.

I'm even failing people I don't talk to anymore, just knowing that a few years ago my best friend told me that she'd love me always and forever no matter what she would care...I feel that each and every day and to an extent I'm glad she doesn't know how I'm doing, in that regard I feel like I did something good for her by pushing her away from the fire. In another regard, I want to reach out like no other, but I know I shouldn't. The friends I talk to, I just feel guilty talking about these things to, when they tell me how hard it is to have someone sort of dangle depressive talks out there regularly, which only compounds the bad feelings, but I understand, really I mean you can't listen to this negative energy like that. There's a reason people go through loads of training and school and get paid to listen to this kind of stuff.

I am just so sad. So alone. So empty. Every step I've taken feels like it was wrong. I am wrong.

Hope?

Sitting on an Amtrak train right now seems like a good time to try to reflect on where things are. Perhaps later I will attempt to be poetic instead of this more lazy prose format, but alas, I am without my headphones and find it rather hard to focus.

This is an interesting place to be, sitting on a train in some sort of in between, not home but not at school, but not a vacation either. However, not having done this before, it still feels different, not merely some transit route back to school, even though in the back of my mind I know that's where I am heading. I wish I could make this merry but I did not create this blog to spout BS optimism from a place where I know there is little. Maybe someday I'll create another blog for  that under some happy go lucky alias. Having been on Spring Break was a welcome hiatus from the hubbub of what every day life had become at school. However, I fear it has reaffirmed my notions of cosmic loneliness and just not being at peace with myself and the world surrounding me. Without divulging anything too personal that I cannot rightly do on another person's behalf, I recently had to go to the hospital for someone very close to me, and as much as I told myself that I should be frightened and scared, I simply was at ease with it. It made me feel very reminiscent of when my father was ill, and I felt nothing with it (at the moment). However, I know that now I am more in touch with this absence of feeling, and aware of it, whereas the first time around I just thought that's how I was operating. Now to have to go back to school and continue with silly papers and tests that have no real bearing on what I feel is meaningful, I just don't know how that can occur. I hear people say they have faith in me and that my exemplary strength and resilience will carry me through, but what does it all mean if you are not at peace with yourself and don't have that belief. I want to feel what they say to be true, and I wish I could just based on their merit, but that doesn't translate to me. Going back to the land of "you just have to get it done"'s is not a place I can see myself getting anything positive done. People might say you will find the positives and you can create your own opportunities, and I do not deny that, I count on the fact that I may encounter opportunities to keep me going, to feed myself some sort of hope.

However, it is a hope that is continually dwindling, as if hope itself were personified by a wind-chime and it's bell that caught a strong breeze of strength when I was born, and is just swinging and resonating on itself, with nothing new pushing it to dance and sway with vivaciousness and livelihood.

I want to feel the wind on my soul again, but if I end up convincing myself that it's not coming, then I don't where I'll delve down to.

This Is Love

I meet you,

My friends warn me,

My family urges me to stay away,

I ignore.

I give you my whole heart,

I fall,

You let me in,

You shut me out,

You break me.

Repeat.

This is love?...