Meant to be

All I am, is what I was meant to be.  I change, I pretend, I hide, but it's no use.  I put on a front to be what you want, but when I lay myself to sleep, I feel like a stranger in my own skin.  Deep down in my core I know this isn't reality.  From now on there's no need for illusions, I'm going to be the real me.  I may not be perfect, but I am who I am, and thats all I was meant to be.

Exit Signs

These roads twist and wind towards the open sky, heading to a destination unknown. Pedal to the floor, just watching the exits as they pass quickly in my rear view.  It seems like every stop is the same, because every time I decide to exit and see if it’s worth my time, it just leads me back to this same thruway.  Just another detour as I search for where I want to stay for good. The speedometer climbs as I begin to wonder if this road will ever lead to my final destination, you.  I see the next exit approaching and slow down, because I’m never going to find you if I don’t stop to look. - NR

A Mind Held Willingly Captive

Morning and night.  Those are the two times of day when you consume my thoughts.  Every word in each passing song played alludes me to the vivid image of your face, kept on standby in my mind.  Your presence in my head elicits a warm smile, and you takeover. I close my eyes and let the sound of the guitar take me to where you are. Song end. Gravity pulls me down from the moment as I try regain my bearings.  The clock flashes 2:55.  A sleepless night isn't so bad with you dancing to the music in my head.  I press next on my Ipod, and decide that I could do this forever. - NR

Fitting In - Effort

What is it to fit in? How much does it press us to do certain things and how lousy does it make us feel when we're not "in"? I find myself with what I would describe as a weird set of principles and such that leave me on the outside looking in. I feel like an old soul in a young body, as attending college has me observing those around me having "the times of their lives", and I have tried to force myself into these situations with them, only to leave myself feeling horribly uncomfortable and certainly not feeling like I'm having a great time. While I know I am not the only one who does not subscribe to the "norms" of the college life, I just wish it was easier to find the others who are like me. Even when those people are found, it's no guarantee at all that we click, as all we share is a distaste for the "norms", not necessarily a bond over anything else. The odds are against me in this regard. I consider myself lucky for the friends that I do have, but I recognize that at this point in my life, it is difficult to find a comfort zone with people to share it with. There's something to be said for starting clubs for a common interest, but to be perfectly honest, I don't have that much energy to commit right now. It just makes me think about how it just feels so wrong that I have to exert so much just to have a chance to find like-minded people; whereas I look around and see many people just going out and drinking together and coming back in drunken revelry and having their "war stories" from their nights be what bonds them in the end. Their camaraderie seems so strong, and then when I am there I feel so outside of it and that I'm just a checker amongst chess pieces. This isn't really about the conflict of my inner morals against the urge to compromise them to fit in, because I know where I stand on that. That's been established since I entered 6th grade and kids I was friends with really started to experiment. This is more just about the feelings that surround the concept that making the "right choices" leads to a "harder lifestyle" in the regards that I've expressed. I can be told "you'll find your niche in life" and "you'll find similar people" only so many times before I think my brain will explode. I may or may not meet these people, but don't give me false hope based on the probability that out of the thousands of people I go to college with that I will find similar people at some point. I don't appreciate that. Guess I just have to see if those other people's coins flip like mine.

Heads or Tails

In today's world so much is feasibly possible, so many options exist in the grand scheme of things, but how much is truly attainable by the individual. How much of that is determined by the individual and how much is a circumstance of the myriad of independent variables that surround us on a daily basis? How many factors does our own brain's activity control? I realize I am throwing darts at the dark night sky hoping to hit a bulls-eye that is light-years away or perhaps doesn't exist at all. I've just been feeling as though I am just part of one big cosmic coin toss after another and that's all there is to it, no justice surrounding it or any karmic principles that lead to future events. However I feel as though this is a typical response to a "hard time" for an individual, whereas if I had been experiencing amazing things in the past few years, then maybe I would lean more towards believing that my "good actions" had led to my good fortune. That, in and of itself, makes me feel more and more like I really am just a giant coin in the universe, being flipped over and over, along with everyone else...where will we land?