In these days of collegiate times I am made aware of how my standing is simply a number and how well I meet their credentials. I don't feel I am really being educated, just being contoured to serve a corporate controlled world where the people in charge tell the school to not change the M.O. so that they can keep their pockets full. I don't know what it is inside of me that I would label a "lack of drive", but it is definitely there. I've got nothing pushing me forward. I don't care about GPA, I really don't care about these classes, I don't know what to put to it but I just don't. This isn't an April Fools. This is a harsh reality that leaves me seeing many people I know I am smarter than (not to sound cocky but I know it) being put "ahead of me", and while this bugs me for a while, I still don't even really care. I am at a loss at this point, and it's not only in academics, but that's the place where I feel the punishment will come from. I don't know what to do from now on, maybe it's my depression coming back in full force, or maybe this is just how my personality is after all the depression bouts in the past. Maybe this is the product of all the medications I've been on/am on. I don't know, but whatever the reason this sucks. Why post this here? Who knows...just the concept that it's out there gives it some extra meaning. I know my intelligence and skills can do great things, so why is it wasted in such a stupid body. Just sucks to be able to rationalize all of this and yet feel like I can't change a thing. People say that things will turn around and things can change you just have to want to change. I'd love to all of a sudden or even simply slowly become that kind of person who has drive, but how do you get the drive to become driven? I don't see it, and it becomes an endless cycle that just becomes harmful to think about. Tons more inside this head, but honestly I've probably said too much, stupid cyber-fingerprint. Scary that my mom or a relative or an ex or something could come across this stuff, but at this point, I'm sure everyone knows what I think of myself. We'll see how it all plays out, but I just hate being stuck in this cycle of motivation loss, and I'm trying to figure out the last time I really did something for MYSELF.
I can't. It had gotten to the point where my old girlfriend had to make me write lists of things I was going to do for myself, and it was such a struggle. Kind of wish I still had that push to get there, but I don't know how, it feels so wrong, so unnatural. I'm not built for this. Now what?
