Motivate

In these days of collegiate times I am made aware of how my standing is simply a number and how well I meet their credentials. I don't feel I am really being educated, just being contoured to serve a corporate controlled world where the people in charge tell the school to not change the M.O. so that they can keep their pockets full. I don't know what it is inside of me that I would label a "lack of drive", but it is definitely there. I've got nothing pushing me forward. I don't care about GPA, I really don't care about these classes, I don't know what to put to it but I just don't. This isn't an April Fools. This is a harsh reality that leaves me seeing many people I know I am smarter than (not to sound cocky but I know it) being put "ahead of me", and while this bugs me for a while, I still don't even really care. I am at a loss at this point, and it's not only in academics, but that's the place where I feel the punishment will come from. I don't know what to do from now on, maybe it's my depression coming back in full force, or maybe this is just how my personality is after all the depression bouts in the past. Maybe this is the product of all the medications I've been on/am on. I don't know, but whatever the reason this sucks. Why post this here? Who knows...just the concept that it's out there gives it some extra meaning. I know my intelligence and skills can do great things, so why is it wasted in such a stupid body. Just sucks to be able to rationalize all of this and yet feel like I can't change a thing. People say that things will turn around and things can change you just have to want to change. I'd love to all of a sudden or even simply slowly become that kind of person who has drive, but how do you get the drive to become driven? I don't see it, and it becomes an endless cycle that just becomes harmful to think about. Tons more inside this head, but honestly I've probably said too much, stupid cyber-fingerprint. Scary that my mom or a relative or an ex or something could come across this stuff, but at this point, I'm sure everyone knows what I think of myself. We'll see how it all plays out, but I just hate being stuck in this cycle of motivation loss, and I'm trying to figure out the last time I really did something for MYSELF.

I can't. It had gotten to the point where my old girlfriend had to make me write lists of things I was going to do for myself, and it was such a struggle. Kind of wish I still had that push to get there, but I don't know how, it feels so wrong, so unnatural. I'm not built for this. Now what?

Meant to be

All I am, is what I was meant to be.  I change, I pretend, I hide, but it's no use.  I put on a front to be what you want, but when I lay myself to sleep, I feel like a stranger in my own skin.  Deep down in my core I know this isn't reality.  From now on there's no need for illusions, I'm going to be the real me.  I may not be perfect, but I am who I am, and thats all I was meant to be.

Exit Signs

These roads twist and wind towards the open sky, heading to a destination unknown. Pedal to the floor, just watching the exits as they pass quickly in my rear view.  It seems like every stop is the same, because every time I decide to exit and see if it’s worth my time, it just leads me back to this same thruway.  Just another detour as I search for where I want to stay for good. The speedometer climbs as I begin to wonder if this road will ever lead to my final destination, you.  I see the next exit approaching and slow down, because I’m never going to find you if I don’t stop to look. - NR

A Mind Held Willingly Captive

Morning and night.  Those are the two times of day when you consume my thoughts.  Every word in each passing song played alludes me to the vivid image of your face, kept on standby in my mind.  Your presence in my head elicits a warm smile, and you takeover. I close my eyes and let the sound of the guitar take me to where you are. Song end. Gravity pulls me down from the moment as I try regain my bearings.  The clock flashes 2:55.  A sleepless night isn't so bad with you dancing to the music in my head.  I press next on my Ipod, and decide that I could do this forever. - NR

Fitting In - Effort

What is it to fit in? How much does it press us to do certain things and how lousy does it make us feel when we're not "in"? I find myself with what I would describe as a weird set of principles and such that leave me on the outside looking in. I feel like an old soul in a young body, as attending college has me observing those around me having "the times of their lives", and I have tried to force myself into these situations with them, only to leave myself feeling horribly uncomfortable and certainly not feeling like I'm having a great time. While I know I am not the only one who does not subscribe to the "norms" of the college life, I just wish it was easier to find the others who are like me. Even when those people are found, it's no guarantee at all that we click, as all we share is a distaste for the "norms", not necessarily a bond over anything else. The odds are against me in this regard. I consider myself lucky for the friends that I do have, but I recognize that at this point in my life, it is difficult to find a comfort zone with people to share it with. There's something to be said for starting clubs for a common interest, but to be perfectly honest, I don't have that much energy to commit right now. It just makes me think about how it just feels so wrong that I have to exert so much just to have a chance to find like-minded people; whereas I look around and see many people just going out and drinking together and coming back in drunken revelry and having their "war stories" from their nights be what bonds them in the end. Their camaraderie seems so strong, and then when I am there I feel so outside of it and that I'm just a checker amongst chess pieces. This isn't really about the conflict of my inner morals against the urge to compromise them to fit in, because I know where I stand on that. That's been established since I entered 6th grade and kids I was friends with really started to experiment. This is more just about the feelings that surround the concept that making the "right choices" leads to a "harder lifestyle" in the regards that I've expressed. I can be told "you'll find your niche in life" and "you'll find similar people" only so many times before I think my brain will explode. I may or may not meet these people, but don't give me false hope based on the probability that out of the thousands of people I go to college with that I will find similar people at some point. I don't appreciate that. Guess I just have to see if those other people's coins flip like mine.

Heads or Tails

In today's world so much is feasibly possible, so many options exist in the grand scheme of things, but how much is truly attainable by the individual. How much of that is determined by the individual and how much is a circumstance of the myriad of independent variables that surround us on a daily basis? How many factors does our own brain's activity control? I realize I am throwing darts at the dark night sky hoping to hit a bulls-eye that is light-years away or perhaps doesn't exist at all. I've just been feeling as though I am just part of one big cosmic coin toss after another and that's all there is to it, no justice surrounding it or any karmic principles that lead to future events. However I feel as though this is a typical response to a "hard time" for an individual, whereas if I had been experiencing amazing things in the past few years, then maybe I would lean more towards believing that my "good actions" had led to my good fortune. That, in and of itself, makes me feel more and more like I really am just a giant coin in the universe, being flipped over and over, along with everyone else...where will we land?

Sitting shotgun

Does it ever seem like you are just a passenger in your own life?  Think about all the variables in life that you have absolutely no control over, but still leave a lasting impact of how you live.  If you clearly can't control anything other than your actions, what in life have YOU actually chosen?  Are the people you surround yourself with put there by you, or are they there merely by coincidence?  In a world where even the decisions you do make are pre-made, pre-packaged, and spoon fed to you, what can truly be changed or controlled?  I'm just not content with sitting shotgun in my own life any longer, time to take the wheel and finally learn how to drive.

5 A.M.

As the sun begins to rise over the horizon, I am again faced with another feeling of inadequacy. What did I do since I last watched that star start to glimmer through the old dangling branches? Is this why I have trouble sleeping at night? Does it all come back to feeling like I don't deserve to sleep before I do something meaningful? Perhaps that is why I so easily delve into helping others, it is so easy to measure that success. The instant feedback that you receive from others in the form of their gratitude warms my heart in a way that nothing I do for myself ever seems to. My codependency on the world around me makes me sad sometimes, and yet I live a more "loner" lifestyle than your average person. Odd. The feeling that I am earning my keep in this world seems prevalent, as to just have the right to speak means I should use those words to help those around me. I cannot say where this all comes from, but it feels like it's encoded in my brain. Sorry for the "too tired to sleep" ramblings.

Sunrise breaks through,
Revealing my weary shadow,
I fight to stay afloat
In a current of other people's endeavors.
But a smile you will always find,
Somewhere.
Tucked away.
In the last pocket of shade before High Noon.
Because this is who I am.
This will be another day of mine.
I'm going to let it shine.

What? Me Worry?

The famous words of Alfred E. Neuman ring around my head sometimes. I find myself wondering to myself how other people's worries stack up against mine, both qualitatively and quantitatively. I wonder what it is about me that makes me so anxious and paranoid about social situations, about making every word I speak the best possible word that I could have chosen at the time, about each little event of the day becoming one huge math equation consisting of factors represented by the people around me, the words they use, the body language or tone they give off, how they respond to my responses, and so on and so forth. Human communication would be complex even in a world where people had perfect connotative and denotative understandings of what the other meant. There are simply too many things to take into account when someone really wants to break down how someone talks to them. I don't know if I'm just simply someone in the same boat as everyone else, and just haven't grasped how to handle this burden as well as those around me, but it sure feels like I bear the brunt of a lot more self-imposed stress than the people I talk to. This is present in my relationships with girlfriends, with friends, with parents, with professors and so on and so forth. Even as I write I feel the urge to write a paragraph that justifies every sentence I produce, because I can picture people looking at this and picking it apart and I don't want to send the wrong message or do something that can be misconstrued, but it is inevitable I feel. I fear that with this severe influx of communication via text, we are condemning ourselves to misinterpretation and certainly a multitude of conclusions that people can take away from statements we make, more so than in the past. Sure things have always been open to interpretation, but I worry that now it is at an all time high, and this frightens me. With the alarming rate at which I see people around me getting into fights with others about things that were said, and then someone having to explain the context and the tone in which they meant it, I get discouraged. No matter the fact that eventually it gets sorted out, I don't believe it's healthy to have all of these conflicts going on and it worries me to no end because as my colleague previously stated about trust, it is without a doubt a shaky thing. People don't always trust the explanations that they get, I know I don't a lot. We only have so much to go on, and maybe this phase of "miscommunication" is a necessity for us to get to a place where we as people catch up to the models of communicating that are available to us in today's age. All I know is, I worry, I worry about rambling as I no doubt have and will, and I feel as though I am destined to think about it more than the average person, but maybe that's just because I'm not hearing those around me correctly. Maybe that's where the whole problem lies, in my perception. It is an ever changing process and I will never cease in my inner-exploration to try to figure out the mechanisms that I use to decipher the world around me and see what works, what doesn't and everything in between.

Trust

Trust is a tricky thing.  There are two ways you can bestow your trust onto anyone.  You can trust everyone immediately, and give them the benefit of the doubt until they break that bond.  Or you can make them earn your trust, building a castle-like wall that the other person must climb and breach before they have the chance to even break that bond. Either way you play the fool, you just choose your destruction.  A quick betrayal of the trust that was just given to whomever without regard, or a slow, calculated act of infidelity by the person who you gradually let deep inside of you.  So what is better to do, trust everyone, or no one at all? - NR

Insomnia

To the sleepless, you hear me all too well.  For years I have found myself watching the sunrise with a mind full of questions, but no answers.  Why can others lay in peace while I carry the weight of how they treat me?  Will they ever know or care that their actions have cut me so deep? Then I wonder, have my actions caused other people to stay up at night? Are they laying flat on the floor staring at the ceiling with their minds cluttered like mine?  Doubtful. The mind of the insomniac never sleeps, never takes a night of, and never will understand why its so hard to cleanse.  The battle for the insomniacs head is underway.  To sleep, or to care.  Want to wager a guess on who is winning? - NR

Someone has to finish last...

~If everyone knows that "Nice guys finish last," why are there still nice guys on this planet? If you know your going to lose, why compete at all?  Why do we as "good guys" treat people with respect, dignity, and compassion knowing that inevitably we will be walked on because of it.   I have a theory.  All men want to be assholes deep down inside. "Nice guys" see said assholes doing everything that they only wish they had the guts to do.  But still, us "nice guys" do all the right things, knowing that in the present day it will not benefit us at all.  There is this hope that someday their ways will repay them, and being the "good guy" will give them with some sort of karma based reward for their actions.  A lifetime of this will eventually cause the nice guy to change his ways, grow cold, and become what he always has hated.  For every nice guy that converts there is a new one born every day, because someone has to finish last.~ NR

The Pebble That Starts The Ripples

This is not an attempt to change anyone's lifestyle and their subsequent views, only a means for myself to better understand my own inner sanctum. Being able to keep track of my thoughts and my progression in a more respective manner than the old ways of teenage blogs, while still fueling my ego enough that maybe someone out there is reading this and gaining something from what my fingertips embellish onto this blog. I never want to preach or impose, and it should be known that what I write is simply the logical (or at times, illogical) pattern that my thoughts have created and my observations and feelings surrounding those patterns. This is a microcosm of my experiences and those of my friend with whom I have undertaken this blog with. Admittedly, I have fear of the typed word and the nature of things being chronicled as I am afraid of the "cyber-fingerprint" that people might identify me by. However, I also believe in the written word as one of the most beautiful and pure ways for feelings to be expressed. I believe in having an end product to work towards with something to be proud of after all is said and done. I do not convey my feelings enough when I speak, and usually can't even tap into them through speech, and so I write. I know that I must do this to restore and maintain my inner balance that I feel I must achieve to be able to live to the fullest. Enough rambling. Off then, we go.

Get me up, but you hold me down...

~ Sometimes there is one cosmic event that causes you to make a change in your life.  Other times rather, you get kicked in the face repeatedly as you sit there and take it, hoping that someone picks you up.  It seems though that most people would rather kick your face or just walk on by.  I guess for now, I'll lie here  in my own blood, stubborn and refusing to change, content to take every blow,  and wait until someone decides to pick me up. I hope its soon, because damn its cold down here. ~ NR

Intro

This is blog that has a bunch of random thoughts, social critique, and feelings that I am having at any given time.  It's a combination of my posts,and my friends, and is just a way to express ourselves. Enjoy.