Is faith in something so much to ask for? Faith in love, happiness, hope...anything really. The sun is rising again on a new day, a day where, in theory, I could exercise my right as a human being to unleash a wild potential that is a wonder to behold. Yet it'll probably more likely be a day that crawls by with nothing really changing. Recognizing that it is my attitude that is the crux of what holds me back, really only makes me feel worse about it all. It'd be a lot easier if the obstacle was something completely unattainable, like punching through a 100 foot thick concrete wall, but no, it's an abstract notion of motivation and the like. Might as well be 200 feet of concrete then. I really don't know how to attack this enemy, how to just be alive. From the days where I realized I couldn't "tough" it out and submitted myself to things like therapy and asking for help, to medication and all the wonderful side effects, to wilderness therapy and living out in the woods for 3 months having to bullshit my way through it because it was the only way out...biofeedback...meditation...yoga...various exercises, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so utterly helpless. The key lies within I have no doubt, but I just don't know how to get it and it's the lousiest feeling I have ever felt. To know that through whatever anomaly of the universe my atoms were assembled in this way to create who I am, and to know that people like my mother care so much about me and want me to be happy...and here I am just...as nothing.
I still cannot believe how absurdly out of touch I feel with the rest of humanity. I'm sure it doesn't help that I spend a lot of time thinking about that absurd feeling. Every feeling of loneliness serves as a reminder that I am not someone who I would want close to me either, so why should anyone else. It is no wonder that most people keep me at arm's length. Self-degradation is a welcome mat for people to coddle you, but this is not what it is there for. That's just how reality has shaped up. From my old relationship crumbling, to every new girl since seeing me as a great guy who just isn't special enough to be special to them...it just all adds up to create the mindset of, "yeah, no one wants you". I barely even write anymore because I just don't see the point. Would you if you felt that no matter what happens you are just going to continue rotting away?
Every moment I am not making any sort of progress, I am failing those around me. To those who say that even in writing this out that I am making progress, I say phooey...we both know that's a cop out at best, and that this really doesn't signal much of anything. Not for me, because I have been in touch and writing things for ages now, and there's no progress here. Anyway, my mom took me out to dinner and I could barely hold a conversation. She said this is the worst she's seen me in a while...I guess my armor is wearing thin, which sucks because I really hate making her feel so bad about me. She's a single parent who saw her husband and love of her life decay in front of her from cancer, only to now watch me become a ghost? I hate it.
I'm even failing people I don't talk to anymore, just knowing that a few years ago my best friend told me that she'd love me always and forever no matter what she would care...I feel that each and every day and to an extent I'm glad she doesn't know how I'm doing, in that regard I feel like I did something good for her by pushing her away from the fire. In another regard, I want to reach out like no other, but I know I shouldn't. The friends I talk to, I just feel guilty talking about these things to, when they tell me how hard it is to have someone sort of dangle depressive talks out there regularly, which only compounds the bad feelings, but I understand, really I mean you can't listen to this negative energy like that. There's a reason people go through loads of training and school and get paid to listen to this kind of stuff.
I am just so sad. So alone. So empty. Every step I've taken feels like it was wrong. I am wrong.
