Hope?

Sitting on an Amtrak train right now seems like a good time to try to reflect on where things are. Perhaps later I will attempt to be poetic instead of this more lazy prose format, but alas, I am without my headphones and find it rather hard to focus.

This is an interesting place to be, sitting on a train in some sort of in between, not home but not at school, but not a vacation either. However, not having done this before, it still feels different, not merely some transit route back to school, even though in the back of my mind I know that's where I am heading. I wish I could make this merry but I did not create this blog to spout BS optimism from a place where I know there is little. Maybe someday I'll create another blog for  that under some happy go lucky alias. Having been on Spring Break was a welcome hiatus from the hubbub of what every day life had become at school. However, I fear it has reaffirmed my notions of cosmic loneliness and just not being at peace with myself and the world surrounding me. Without divulging anything too personal that I cannot rightly do on another person's behalf, I recently had to go to the hospital for someone very close to me, and as much as I told myself that I should be frightened and scared, I simply was at ease with it. It made me feel very reminiscent of when my father was ill, and I felt nothing with it (at the moment). However, I know that now I am more in touch with this absence of feeling, and aware of it, whereas the first time around I just thought that's how I was operating. Now to have to go back to school and continue with silly papers and tests that have no real bearing on what I feel is meaningful, I just don't know how that can occur. I hear people say they have faith in me and that my exemplary strength and resilience will carry me through, but what does it all mean if you are not at peace with yourself and don't have that belief. I want to feel what they say to be true, and I wish I could just based on their merit, but that doesn't translate to me. Going back to the land of "you just have to get it done"'s is not a place I can see myself getting anything positive done. People might say you will find the positives and you can create your own opportunities, and I do not deny that, I count on the fact that I may encounter opportunities to keep me going, to feed myself some sort of hope.

However, it is a hope that is continually dwindling, as if hope itself were personified by a wind-chime and it's bell that caught a strong breeze of strength when I was born, and is just swinging and resonating on itself, with nothing new pushing it to dance and sway with vivaciousness and livelihood.

I want to feel the wind on my soul again, but if I end up convincing myself that it's not coming, then I don't where I'll delve down to.

This Is Love

I meet you,

My friends warn me,

My family urges me to stay away,

I ignore.

I give you my whole heart,

I fall,

You let me in,

You shut me out,

You break me.

Repeat.

This is love?...