Existing

The days continue to rack up, the days devoted to getting better, the days where I'm supposed to building a life, the days where I try to salvage my soul from the caved in walls of this weak body. It's fun to use words like "soul", it's an empowering way to describe your essence, your character, who you really are inside. However, it has also come to mean some sort of supernatural thing that will supersede your literal life, and well I'm just not having any of that. Boy do I wish I had some faith. I could just hang so much on the conviction that faith provides. Alas, I suppose I digress.

Every day that passes is another one wasted it seems, and I know I have no one but myself to blame, but at this point what's the use in that. I get it. It's on my shoulders. I just don't know how to break through it. I subject myself to tons of therapy, but throughout all the years of it, I remain this slab of flesh and bone that just has no real concept of a future and no real vision of a dream (except for that of a loving embrace...but that's really not a big enough situation to be considered a "dream" per se).

I certainly can tell you glimpses of dreams so to speak, but nothing big enough where it's really something plausible to work towards. Just obscure ambiguous notions that rely on many things out of my control. Holding someone special and being held back..that moment of mutual intimacy just feeding off of itself..nothing else matters. No meditation, no relaxation technique, nothing comes close to being in the arms of someone you love and just living in that moment. Another glimpse would be looking around and feeling successful in terms of myself and, to a degree, the world around me, which I suppose ties in to the next thing on my mind.

Since I am perpetually looking to placate my deceased father, that certainly plays a role in it all. According to many around him he was probably depressed too, but he went to night school while working a job and supporting his family. He did that and then made a great life for himself, did he handle everything well? Hell no, but no one's perfect. Who carries on his name? Me? Carry is a strong word. I guess I'm dragging it along with me. Perhaps someday I will earn it, but there's no way anyone could objectively look at my life and be like, "oh yeah he's done great things", and then people will patronize you with things such as what or who classifies "great" etc. It doesn't matter which way you look at it, whether it is my standards or the collective society's standards, I come up short. People will say look at the strides you've made with therapy and all that. Oh I've made strides? Please tell me more about the green grass on the other side that you "just know" is coming for me.

There are no guarantees, and people/society/life itself are very very flawed. Everything is governed by chance but can be weighted/influenced by various factors, i.e. clothes you wear, how you look, how you carry yourself, this can go on forever. Within all the random chaos that surrounds us, many people seem to at least have a few people/places/things that they can take solace in, work towards, and thoroughly find joy and peace in. To be without any of those is one of the cruelest things I could have ever conceived.

If I don't make something of myself, then let's be real no one wants to be with that. My ex says that she thinks I'm her soulmate, but (amongst other things) that I am in no place for anything like a relationship. I absolutely agree. I need to craft a person that can be respected out of this mold, this blank slate that I have become. I don't love myself, I don't really do anything, I just kinda sit around and think too much. I should be going to school, going to work, something, anything to hang my hat on that I am indeed alive.

I don't want to die, I really don't, but I just don't want to exist in this life anymore. Calling it living a life seems like a stretch at this point. I don't feel alive, I just know I exist. I want to be alive. Somewhere. What it'll take to make that into a reality, anyone's guess is as good as mine.