I wish I had something to strive for. Before there's any sort of obligatory "to get better"...I think that's obvious, but there needs to be an intermediary...a way to get to that end. You want to get strong, go to the weight room, eat right, etc. You want to get better and stop being depressed? Little tougher. What I wouldn't give to go back to the issues of two years ago. Now I can't even be a functioning human being. I couldn't even go back to school, which I already had to leave early last semester for the very purpose of getting better. How's that going? Now I'm stuck here at home, living on the edge of a town in a development without a place to even walk to randomly. I do nothing except go to therapy. I care that I do nothing, but not enough to do anything about it, between having the energy to do it and to actually see the point in doing it. People say to just be active for the sake of being active, and yes, that's smart for a short term time, but I can't do that forever. I can't just go through the motions for the sake of going through the motions. I see no point in anything. Like I've said, love is only the driving force I've ever experienced, and I feel further from that than ever. I've got nothing to hold onto. I am only still in this world because of other's people tethers to me. My mom cares so much about me, I have a few friends who say they would miss me, even though it really boils down to my mom. I could never leave her like that, after everything she's down for me. What kind of life is one that you're just basically on a life support machine fed from the support of others. Pathetic.
I feel like a vegetable. I might as well be. A tornado of emotional turmoil inside of a shell made of tissue paper. Everyone is moving on to bigger and better things. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, with anyone. College was just a gigantic failure. The academics did nothing,I know I'm smart, I got great grades without trying, but I felt like I got nothing out of them. The social scene? Ha. I had a group of friends, but they go on and being not at school, you just don't talk anymore..plus I never really felt connected. Romantic endeavors? Ha. At a college where athletics are the big thing, there are enough "in shape" guys to flood you out of the market. People go to college to have a good time, I am not a good time, I was in there looking for someone who wanted more, and again, I am not so naive to think I am the only one, I know for a fact there were many of them, but it just wasn't in the cards for me. Time and time again I was just a friend, and towards the end I was barely even good enough to hang out with.
Granted, I'm sure I projected the darkness that was on the inside, and that's not appealing to anyone. I am rotting from the inside out, and now it's visible on the outside. I don't know how to bounce back from this. I don't even know how to have a tolerable day. I can't believe after so many years of effort poured into trying to beat depression, it's come to this. I am paralyzed, and the loneliness feeds off of it. No one should want to be around me, and since no one is there, I get more sad. Vicious cycle that whirlpools down to the bottom of the ocean. I can't even write anymore. My mind is just clouded by darkness, and I can't even poetically explain it anymore. Reduced to this horrendously organized prose. All I want is someone to show me it's okay, but even if they did, I probably wouldn't be able to see it. It's sad that a 5 minute conversation with someone is a big deal as far as people go. I don't want this at all. I am a social creature, and I want to love and be loved. But I am infested, a toxic soul that repels others.
Maybe I'll get lucky and get really sick and be able to just succumb to it. My dreams have gotten worse too, so when I sleep it isn't even a fun escape anymore. I just want some little ray of light in my life. Anything. Anyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment